Dear Lifeboat and it’s Community.
This is my apology to everybody. If you were involved or not, if you knew who I was months back or not, if you even are aware of who I am or not - it doesn’t matter as I believe all users deserve to hear what I have to say. I do wish this topic gets left alone unless something happens in which necessary action needs to take place, however if this does get unlisted or locked I will not be chasing anyone around and begging them to allow this to be viewable. This will not be like my last topic, but rather it will be confronting my own wrong doings. I am not seeking forgiveness, nor am I asking to be given one last opportunity - I just want this to be heard so I can leave peacefully. This will be very long like the last one but I believe this is a time for us all to be reflective based on what happened only a week ago.
Who am I? My name is SparklesB but you may call me Melissa if you desire, and I am currently fourteen. I was quite a well known moderator back in 2016/2017 before resigning however I decided to come back only a year later. I’ve always been known as a bubbly and outgoing person, in fact I would always get messages from people telling me how much they looked up to me. However this all changed last week when I decided to post criticism that unleashed my inner anger onto Lifeboat, sparking a riot and causing me to lose my once positive reputation. I was given false hope, like everybody else - I believed that maybe if I voiced our opinions and spoke on behalf of everyone maybe Lifeboat can perhaps change. It was like a dream come true, and oh so wrong was I once Lifeboat caught onto me. For days I begged, reasoned, suggested, and ranted like some child wanting pure attention. I looked like an absolute buffoon.
These past few days have been extremely rough for me. I’ve been drowning in guilt and shame once I realised I was only used for somebody’s benefit; an object that could easily be thrown away once no longer useful. People have been pouring hate onto me via messages, some said that they should stay away from me once they realised I was Sparkles, and little even took the time to make me feel worthless. Out of too much stress, I left everything. My discord username was changed to ‘I am the bad guy.’ and even my forums bio was as well. I believed this was all my fault, and despite my closest friends telling me otherwise they couldn’t see how I was truly feeling.
The “criticism” I gave was nothing but a rant like any other, nothing special other than it being posted publicly. If I could go back to that topic and erase it from existence, I would. I was told not to post it unless told otherwise, and while I don’t want to be that person blaming another I do believe that it was because they wanted it to be the way it was. Hateful and blaming. I claimed it was peaceful however deep down inside I knew it wasn’t, I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. So when the time came, I asked everyone to stop like the coward I was. Being the “leader” of all this put a lot of stress on my shoulders, I was asked to take over and when the time came - they ran away and went against me.
So what do I have to say that will make things better? Probably nothing because the damage was already done. However that will not stop me from saying ** sorry **. I was stupid, immature and failed to open my eyes when there was still a chance to turn things around. From the bottom of my heart, for all these months of voluntary work and helping every one of you, from all the fantastic experiences we all got to share together - I am ** sorry ** as said again. This does not excuse the fact that what I did was wrong, in fact nothing can. There is no room left for me to change as already my true colors have been shown. I have changed into a villain and nothing is going to make me better now.
I have decided I will not be contributing any more to this wonderful community nor the Lifeboat team. I am aware that I will no longer be wanted back nor given a second chance, I am no longer a good example for trainees/future volunteers. I am grateful to have been here and for all the love I was given over the years. Without all of this I believe I would be nothing but another human, you are all the reason I felt special and forever will you all will have a place in my heart. I will be hiding in the shadows and become history. I messed up, and this is what I have to deal with now, no need to feel guilty. I deserve this.
This time I most likely won’t be coming back unless something out the bloom makes me. But until that time comes, this is goodbye.